Planning out my schedule tells me I shouldn't have slacked the whole weekend away.

Now I'll have to finish revising integration tonight, J1 chem tmr morning, J2 chem and math during lab sessions throughout the week.

Besides that, all the Bio O mugging will have to take place after midnight. ZzzzZ.

So much for slacking......... argh.

At its brightest, the sun bestows immeasurable positivity. At its darkest, the stars glitter hope relentlessly, yet in the tragic night sky.

It's SSEF. 2 years ago, it had brought me down. 1 year ago, just a little. Today, I started looking out for the stars when the night has fallen.

Walking through the exhibition boards put up in the hall and glancing through the redolent science stuff certainly brought me back in time, the excitement, and the enthusiasm, and (not to forget) the disappointment. It certainly brought me back, but it has failed to bring me down. I’m happy to be there congratulating my friends and the juniors of ISYF. BTW, I think it’s quite cool that the group didn’t disperse like most of the OGs do.

SSEF didn’t bring me down this time, but something else did trip me. It has been tripping me these few days. It feels tiring for a while, but perhaps just physically and not emotionally. I have confidence though that I will still stand among friends where I can let most of myself be. Laugh, joke, chatter, study, slack.

Sometimes, I don’t really appreciate it when people treat others like a magic mirror. To put it in the most convoluted analogy, there used to be a bunch of magic mirrors in my sec 4 class. These people assemble as a council (sort of) usually the day before tests or exams. Others join in, very much welcomed, to get what they wanted – answers, solutions, advice. They didn’t mind. We didn’t mind. At the end of the day, what of friendship do we speak of? Of exam grades? What of it?

I’m not irritated though, ‘cos I guess that’s how things will work out in the future in the workplace. That’s how it is, for most people. But I think I still want to believe that there’re people out there to laugh, joke, chatter, study, slack together.

On second thought, we all have feelings. We have all rights in our own "pursuit for happyness".

Today's an exciting day for our seniors. Congratulations to all our seniors! Those who aced everything, I guess it's wonderful news for your hard work. Otherwise, I think you all did great too so congrats. Disappointments here and there for some, but few years down the road, it may not matter that much I hope.

It's our turn next year. Hah actually the release of A level results seem a bit scary though. Like some of you, I'm starting to feel that bit of stress already. It had occurred to me over the past week that I have something I want to pursue. Sort of a dream actually. I need to work hard. Really hard for things like GP. I've been reading much actually, on things I'm interested in. I'm glad that I've taken out time to read. I regret very much for not cultivating this habit of reading, of which I'm enjoying right now, when I was younger. Now I feel so 'left' behind. But I still want to hold a belief that I can catch up. In the midst of all these reading, I have to maintain my standard for the chemistry and math as well as improve my econs grade. For biology.. well. I'm striving for the best. And when I say best, I mean the really best. Not at the selection level, but further, you know, much further.

As I continue to hold on and be motivated by this dream, I don't want to forsake the reality too. Our dreams live forever, but we do not. The present has become more important to me somehow these days. Time is blown away like candles, one by one, but with no hesitation or pause. Someday very soon SYF will come, and then guitar would end very much soon. A levels will come soon, and then the class days would end too. Somehow I have a feeling that I would miss the class, the people in it, the class bench, the pseudo-lunch as a consequence of long canteen queues, and perhaps the sleep in lectures too. Counting the weeks and the months, there isn't much time left together as a class. I'm sure we can have class gatherings and all, but it's just together as a class there and then, being teenagers together before we grow up and lift off to the skies as young adults. We'll see one another as doctors, dentists, economists, accountants, businessmen, engineers, lawyers, etc. and I think it'll feel different from being students together back there and then. But I may be wrong actually... perhaps the nostalgic feeling we get in the future as we see one another may offer a little sense of satisfaction.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little teeny weeny tinge of sadness.  After typing what I had typed above, my dream, I feel, is perhaps not that important after all. Still, dreams are inextricable from reality. Two parts of a whole ya?

Hmm... I've decided to upgrade my photoshop skills. I'm starting with doing tutorials, and in the mean time understand the tools in itself to create my own effects. Then I'll need to spend time in bookshops like Kino or Page One to flip through graphic design books. The only problem is time.

Things I want/need to do:

1. Read "The French Revolution" by George Rude, because I just feel like reading history
2. Upgrade photoshop skills - to be able to design stuff
3. Read "The Natural History of Human Emotions" by Stuart Walton - Just for reading.
4. Play basketball - haven't been playing since some time ago.
5. Read Bio O stuff - for obvious reasons other than living up to "the one who opens his mouth and textbooks drop out"
6. Play the guitar - I must start working on my grade 3 pieces! They sound weird!
7. Read Time and random articles - It's just meaningful to read.
8. Run every weekend and train my pull-ups
9. Sleep early

Time is the only limiting factor now... ergh.

H3 bio lab session is just too boring.... but my book kept me awake through the 2 hours till noon. Then we went over to Nanyang Exec. Centre, all thanks to a ride my sis offered, to visit the people at the Nanyang research symposium. There's Chan Yi, Dina, Qi Yan, Sicheng, Mengyuan, and it surprises me to see Wei Pin, Jia Xi and Sengky there too. Haha. Well I guess it's a relief for these people, especially those taking it as H3. It makes me feel kinda disappointed in myself not being able to be there standing next to my project to present my work to professors with confidence and pride, after getting rejected by SSEF. But I guess I'd my turn during research symposium. I'm fine with it. Hmm... I think my priorities have really taken a big turn since a year ago.

 "Our lives are made, in these small hours
  These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate"
      - Little Wonders (in Meet the Robinsons) by Rob Thomas

Somehow I've not regretted whatever that has happened over the past year. There were sad times, or should I say extremely sad times... but of course there were happy times too. And all these have contributed somehow to what I treasure now than before. I'm happy about this. 

Evening, went with my dad and bro to watch Valkyrie today cos my dad likes to watch these kind of war films. It's quite a good movie, not those high-action thriller, but it's quite engaging. At the end of the movie, assuming the depiction is true to an appropriate extent, you kinda admire these people in the age of WWII, at the same time, cringe and feel ashamed because you might not have that courage if it was you. All in all, this Tom Cruise film is more meaningful and reflective than MIs. You should watch it if you have time.

I should be sleeping now.

"The songs waves and winds sing,
 Hear it by the sea, as the cliff always did"

The cliff never has a part in these songs. Only to stand in silence, upon the majestic splashes and sheer. What resilience has it to remain? or rather, what weakness?

Another week's gone. Tmr's interview for IBO. Japan's a good place to go. My cousins came back from Japan a week ago and they bought us so many food. Japan's biscuits and snacks. I'll buy them if I get there. :D

Interestingly, the past few days have turned out to be turning point for myself. It's not a V, but most probably a U. In my case, I happen to humiliate myself in some way accidentally, but at the end it has made me realised the stupidity I held myself to. Yes, there were spouts of anger and perhaps a little pinch of hatred. But I feel rested after this outburst. It's like suppressing your anger or disappointment by means of self-deceit. Then you reach a point whereby your lies shatter. You're glad that this mirror of the past shattered. You don't have to see the faint reflection of the past that haunts you anymore. and it's not in the way that you force yourself to forget. You're not cutting away your own past, but just not letting it tangle you because there is no point anymore at present.

Before I get glibberish and start acting like Troy in school at midnight, I should really talk about happenings more than thoughts for now. I'm quite glad that I've been really keeping up with my reading. One on hand it's the interest in science with NMR and X-ray diffraction (though the theories and calculations involved are still far beyond me), on the other I've been spending more time and effort on the magazines. Now I'll have to find time to read my book "The natural history of Human Emotions". Haha, I bought this book at borders with my gift cards. Haha it's quite cool that weiqi competition years ago give out gift cards as prizes. As a consequence of being the team leader, I get to be in the best team and win the best gift cards. Hurray I still have $200 odd dollars, i think.

School's starting again, starting with a 2.4 run. School seems like a sleepy dream to me, for all that sleep or half-sleep I had during lectures and tutorials. But I better not sleep anymore during econs... or else I'll have to copy the notes. crap.
 

First comes puzzlement. Then sadness, followed by immediate numbness. Confusion sets in, but settles as self-deceit. Time passes, realisation pops by and lands as self-pity. Happenings fuel hope thereafter, only to fall as disappointment. Then self-deceit, realisation, self-pity and so on. There was almost anger and hatred somewhere in this cycle. Almost, but no.

I'm stuck here. I want to get out.

My blog posts have obviously spanned across different levels. There are those joyous ones, blithe and simple to dictate the merry moments. Then there are some others that seem to root out of the damnable abyss that seems to tear out of the fabric of reality every now and then. The third type belongs to the contemplation, nostalgic at times and often reflective. This post here belong to the type 3.

Today's the first day of school. I managed my way through without sleeping or getting sleepy, except maybe during the last 5 mins of chem tutorial. Guitar in the afternoon.

There are many things I see, and many that I hope to see. As I close my eyes, I ask myself, am I lying to myself? And why?

Sometimes you see things differently when you close your eyes. You see yourself more clearly. You see what you have been doing. You see yourself through the your own consciousness.

You see through your lies.  You seee truth admist confusion.

School starts tmr. I'm here, blogging, with all my homework undone except GP. I guess almost everyone says this. It's like this every year haha. But I've been really busy. It's not that I don't want to do homework, but my time's dedicated to playing the guitar for hours, learning songs like doraemon, and today, painting myself a wooden bookmark and something else.

Today's quite fulfilling. I went to Bras Basah Complex to buy a strip of bass wood, acrylic paint, gloss finish, some brushes and some metal paint. I have no idea what exactly do these things do, but apparently they worked quite well. I painted a strip of wood in shades of blue to make a bookmark for myself, but that was fast. It took me from 3pm to 8pm to paint another tin. It's still not working very well now because after painting the tin, I cannot close the lid properly because the paint's too thick. So it took me another 3 hours to scrape of the paint at the brim. But still it doesn't close smoothly because of some paint still left on the brim. Haha I'll continue someday soon. I shall be content with my bookmark for now. It's sprayed with gloss finisher so it looks and feels really nice. :D

I shall attempt to complete some math or bio today. (IF I can keep to my word) Otherwise, I'll just spend the last day of my holidays playing the guitar. Oh crap, I didn't touched my guitar yesterday. argh.

Kay, I just did a lame quiz, "How will you be defined in the dictionary?". Type in your name and... it'll give you something lame. I got Tan Wei Han - [noun] A person who likes to steal tins of tuna. -.- well... i like tuna anyway.

I think, yesterday I was just being too emotional and emoed about the curse and the aptitude thing. It's still true though. But I'm seriously fine now except that I may just die from lead poisoning anytime soon from painting so much today. The next time I burst into such emotional states again, please don't take it too seriously. :D But thanks to those for their concern. :)

"To be able to relive emotional states in the past, is both an aptitude and a curse."

It's a curse because it doesn't leave you. You revisit past memories everynow and then like they happen just yesterday. These emotions in your memories are just frozen in ice. By some spark, the air explodes and melt the ice entirely at once. What's left is just a pool of tears that never seem to evaporate in the heat.

After sometime, the depressing coldness freezes everything back to what it had started as. You sleep, and you wake up again. For days. Then another explosion comes by every now and then.

All these explosions, are just giving me headaches.

1.Who is the person who tagged you?
Zhen rui... -.-

2.The relationship between you and her/him?
friend, sec1/2 classmate, ortus mate

3.Your 5 impressions of her/him?
Hoi hoi
Piggish
Calls me shroomish
OAC chief instructor or something
Haha

4.If she/he becomes your enemy, you will?
-.- whack him .....

5.What will you say to the person whom you like very much?
-.- I'm just gonna give this face -.-

6.The characteristic(s) you love about yourself is... ?
*shrugs*

7.The characteristic(s) you hate about yourself is... ?
My flirting with depressing thoughts previously.

8.For the person whom you hate the most, you say...?
Go away.

9.What do people feel about you?
The Emo One.

10.Who do you have a crush on?
-.-

11.The most ideal person you want to be is... ?
(Nobel prize winner, great doctor, the ultimate emo one..) Nah, just myself.

12.Pass on this quiz to 5 people :
1._magicbubble
2.lee_tunglin
3.kingofshorties
4.jonathan_lee
5.hecatesedai

13.If no.2 & no.3 were together,what will happen?
The world will stop spinning

14.Who does no.5 like?
Hahaha I guess you people know!

15What colour does no.1 like?
eh. The color of ferns or soil?

16.Say something about no.3.
Grown up.

17.Who is no.2?
Lee Tung Lin. Godly, imba, basketball, certainly not fat, lots of free time.

18.Talk about no.5.
Bubble tea

19.Who is no.1?
The fern farmer. Haha just kidding.. it's THE CHAN YI.

20.Who is the sexiest person amongst them?
lee_tunglin hahahaha jkjk

21.What colour does no.4 likes?
*shrugs*

22.Is no.4 single?
hahhaa. Who knows?

23.What is your relationship with no.1?
My commanding CT rep, my minion during Guitar.

24. Are no.1 & no.3 best friends?
hahahah this is getting hilarious.

25.What is no.5's surname?
Chew

26.What is no.1's nickname?
eh. THE Chan Yi I guess..

27.What things do you wish to say to no.3?
Merry Christmas!

28.What will you do to help no.5?
Buy 1 bubble tea.

29.Who does no.1 admire?
HAHAHAHAHA. Not that she needs to admire anyone cos she's THE CHAN YI, but maybe she does but idk. XD

30.Where does no.1 live?
Somewhere near Bukit Batok but nowhere's too far for her to travel cos you-know-what.

31.Does the 5 of them know who you like?
-.-

32.What do you wish to say when you see no.2?
Don't emo.

Hmm.. I thought I had better blog before starting on my SRP report. Cos it just spoils my mood.

It's either NUS or school these days. There are some days here and there when I can slack at home, but these days just drift away doing nothing. Sigh. Have to submit my SRP report tmr to my mentor 'cos he's going away for a holiday until january. But hurray, at least it's a chapter ending.

Talking about chapters, I think new chapters are being written, in a way I never thought of. Moments there were, I landed myself in seas of thoughts. BUT I'm really glad I'm thinking things now more positively.

Argh... I'm going to sleep early already. I've been feeling super drowsy all day long. And apparently I knocked my right temple on the window ledge of the bus while dozing off and it hurts. -.-  I think I need to recondition my life. Sleep, exercise, meals, work. A balance has to be established or I'll just faint someday.

(Ahh... I'm falling asleep typing this. I'd better be starting on my report now)

It's been a real long time since I've blogged. Well, that's probably because of the holiday mood and probably my holidays are rather boring.

However, there were a few events here and there. 3 generation reunion was quite ok. Glad to have had a bbq with the seniors, and we'll probably not see one another that often already. A little pity here and there haha. The food's nice though.

Then there was this CIP work session for NUH Friends. Made some really cool boards. :D

Lab's almost ending soon i guess. Though my mentor bought a new reagent and I have to go back again. But oh well. It's the last set. Started writing my report too and it looks ok.

Guitar's fine too, with Ms Wong. New scores and everything. Prime scores are killing me, but I'm not dead yet. haha. I had still remember what Mr Goh, my all-time bio project mentor, said: "What does not kill you, makes you stronger". Lol of course he didn't make this up but well.. at least i first heard it from him with that sadistic tone. So now my hand's feeling kinda crippling, after some contortion here and there in the new scores, but I'm really glad it's manageable XD. Perhaps by next week I would be able to play through it smoothly.

Sigh. But with all the work I need to do. Sianz.

Haha these days I find myself shopping a lot. Not exactly shopping, but just walking around in malls with no agenda. Drifting perhaps.
 

Indeed. A week of changes. But still the residues there. Oh well, what left is to be braver for 5 more mins. (Got this from a quote: No man's braver than any one else; he's just brave 5 mins longer.)

I've been listening to Jason Mraz's songs, quite soothing, which I think makes nice music on the bus. Some songs are worth listening to repeatedly :D

I'm glad I've managed to maintain the balance between work and life by rejecting my mentor's offer to do an experiment from 6 pm to 9 pm today, and instead spending the entire afternoon with my 1-year-old niece. She's apparently intimated by my apparent lanky-ness when I walk into the house. But it gets better over hours and if I were on my knees. haha. And she's mesmerized by my twinkle twinkle little star on guitar :D

It's going to be a crazy weekend. Sat: Morning at lab. 2pm to 8.30pm weiqi competition. Sunday: 10 am to 6 pm weiqi competition. Argh. then next tues bio O. sigh~
 

After look at electronic screens for quite some time these few days, I decided to let my sore eyes rest reading a book. I thought, well, less excitement, but oh well my eyes are red already. So gleefully I picked up this "Seven Types of Ambiguity" that I've left alone for quite some time and continue reading it.

And now, how do I feel? I feel like I'm losing it.

The books separated into 7 parts, and I'd just finished part one. In part 1 you get this psychiatrist talking to you. (second person narrative) You play a role of a woman in the plot. The psychiatrist is talking to you about the life of this guy called Simon because he, your ex-boyfriend, has been in a decline of "depression" since 9 years ago after breaking up with you, losing his job and his self-esteem. The psychiatrist asks you questions every now and then, questioning your thoughts and actions.

I felt as if the book was really talking to me. I'm not sure what the book is doing to my thoughts. Confused? Angry? Depressed? Entranced? I don't know. It's manipulating me, hypnotising me to turn the page, and to continue. It's breaking my emotions into fragments and jumbling them altogether.

I read the first sentence of Part 2, and it's first person now, in Simon's perspective. I decided to stop for now; I'm just too mentally worn. Reading through the thoughts of a person inclined to depression can get you saddened too, or at least just to me.

Argh crap. I'm losing it. I don't know why but it seems as if the books slowly eroding the positivity and optimism I've been trying to build up. It's just a book.

From above, you can apparently see some crap thoughts that are going through my mind. I'm really losing it. k. relax.

My 5 day attachment ended in a flash, while I was really enjoying the experience. Seeing and interacting with people, both patients and therapists, has given me so many thoughts that I've blogged in the previous few posts.

Throughout these 5 days, I have seriously considered OT as a career. Like what our coordinator has said, this job is well-paid, in the satisfactory sense. Monetary wise, not so. Truly, the kind of patient interaction make you feel really needed. Whether it's kids, elderly, regardless of their ability to understand you, you know that you are really needed and what you do really makes a difference.

Occasionally you get visits from recovered patients, showing you how they could walk and utter "谢谢你" non-stop. I'm seriously not exaggerating and I'm not those who would cook up stories. I've simply described what I saw.

As a doctor, I don't really know much about this satisfaction. There certainly is satisfaction, and some level of patient interaction. But the patient interaction is less, you diagnose and prescribe. then maybe some follow up.

I can't make a decision now, but I'm still slanting much towards medicine. It's not that I'm money-minded, but there has to be a certain amount to sustain the kind of lifestyle you want and to provide for those you love. The status too and education too. It's weird to tell your parents you going for a NYP diploma after taking JC?

But possibilities are plenty and OTs' recognition is progressing. It would certainly be exciting, but perhaps arduous too.

So the conclusion is I don't know, and it's really an un-informed choice if I make one now 'cos I haven't exactly seen the doctor's role and I'm just marvelling at OT. *shrugs*

Dr Troy Tan may not turn out to be doctor after all. Lol. To many others, attachments serve to reinforce their conviction in the career they want to pursue. For me, it just made things more complicated, but it certainly didn't get worse.

Went to the lab in the morning to finish my abstract for my SRP and SSEF submission. That's what I only have of my submission. No worries. My experiments seem promising.

Great evening I had. Dinner at New Garo. I have to seriously recommend this restaurant. It's just opposite Beauty World Center. It's a small restaurant, so you have to reserve seats. But it's really nicely furnished. The X-factor: it's by far the most authetic Japanese Food I've eaten in Singapore. Great ramen, but the sushi and sashimi's the real treasure. Totally thrashes all other Jap restaurants. And they have this specialty dish called shiok something. The roe rocks, and the eel's taste slowly expands after the avocado's refreshing taste. Then the yellow sauce makes everything so soft like ice-cream. cool man. (pic isn't quite accurate.)
 

Then I went for the Singapore Flyer! Got complimentary tickets from my cousin who works in sentosa! It's a little exhilarating at first when you're going up, but after 10 mins of seeing the same thing. It's just plain refreshing. But at least I've gone up once haha. Then there were those halloween people working around in the shopping arcade. They look real and my bro's gotten a little scared haha. They carry axes around in ragged clothes, with some bones around lol.

yup yup that's all.